Forgiveness is Easier than Permission and Hindsight's 20/20

"It was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal, because I'm not normal, and I don't wanna be. I've had to face death and loss and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, like more real, more myself, because it's my world too. It's where I belong." ~Bella Swan

Have you ever felt this way?? That your participation in something, something bigger than yourself was ultimately worth any sacrifice along the way to get there?? I wish I could definitively say that I agree.

I look back on my life before the whole Twilight phenomenon ... and wonder if the person I was then, would like the person I am now?  I can and will say that Twilight and the people I have met through it have changed me!
Several times things have gotten in the way, not gone as planned, or utterly fell apart, things that I have admittedly handled with far less grace and aplomb than I should have. But on the other hand, I have never more valiantly proven to myself what I was fully capable of.  

Bella didn't hide from the negative aspects of her life with Edward, she faced death, loss, and pain, most if not all of them brought on directly from her involvement with the Cullens.  She accepts all of the negative for even a chance at the positive. 

Strength is such a surreal concept. It can refer to sheer fortitude, mental strength, or being an emotional cornerstone, each of these separately make a person strong, but combined make the person that possesses these qualities invaluable!  How that strength is developed say multitudes about a person. True strength is not a spur of the moment thing or an 'adrenaline rush' True strength is cultivated over time, it is allowed to prove itself and be tested, it is sometimes pushed to its limits only to find that there is a further limit to be reached. 

It is during these tests that I have found myself questioning, 'Is it worth it?'  There have been times where I have literally thrown my hands in the air and wished myself back to a time where I was a infrequent participant in some trivia or liked a status or two. When I found myself AMAZED that I actually got to be friends with some page admins!! Never knowing or being able to predict what my future would have in store. 

This is NOT to say that I regret where I am in life, and what I am doing with it. I am just saying that looking back, some of my choices have not always been the best, or the most well thought. 


To touch on the positive, I have been blessed to meet some of the most incredible people in the world! (IMO), I have have been materially blessed through these people, I have been spiritually blessed by them as well. I nearly always have someone to turn to for support, I have people in my life that are willing to be the strength for me, when mine is hard to find or is not nearly enough. I do not tell these people thank you enough!!  I have people who believe and have the faith to move mountains, they not only believe in me, but in God's blessings and promises to me. These wonderful people provide me reasons to be happy and rejoice, even when joy is the sensation farthest from my mind. They sometimes provide me with the kick in the behind needed to reassure me that the world is in fact NOT ABOUT ME! These are all things that I as an imperfect person, need every once in awhile. I have been abundantly blessed with these influences. I have also been able to experience some of the most astounding events that I ever thought possible! 

So ultimately, if I had to choose, I would pick the end result, I might just have to alter the map a little on my way to getting here. However, in any true experience there is something to be grasped and learned. So in going through those tests, they have made me who I am today.  A good friend just reminded me tonight, that the opinion that matters is not of this world, although, He left some pretty good instructions and some mighty big shoes to fill down here. I am also reminded of something my mother always has told me, "At the end of the day, the only person you HAVE to live with is yourself."